GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
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when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
My life coach traded me.
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
I drew y’all a little something.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
San Francisco has too many rules
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”