ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
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On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.