Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
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The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
j o i m p
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.