i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
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Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
THE AUDACITY. 😤
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen