“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
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Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
Not all heroes wear capes….
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*