[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
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I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
just leave it at the foot of the bed
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*