saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
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I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
This 4th of July, please remember…
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend