Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
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I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
My patronus is a cheeseburger
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro