Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
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People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
Worst perfume name ever.