Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
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Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels