Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
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Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
Brother?
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
*power walks to the refrigerator*
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.