Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
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I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go