Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
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Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
no cat here
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
🤣🤣🤣
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”