Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
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I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
Give a baker flours on your first date.
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
My love language is hissing.
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.