You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
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My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”