Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
You Might Also Like
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while