What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
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The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
incredible
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
*limbos away from your hug*
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
Am getting real tired of your crap…
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?