K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
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I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
some Old Testament wisdom
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie