pep talk
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Thrilling chase underway
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
I wanna be friends with this person
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.