Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
You Might Also Like
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*