You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
You Might Also Like
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
Not all heroes wear capes…
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit