Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
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Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
Zack Greinke stories are the best
Best misinterpreted text ever!
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
Boeing’s commercial spacecraft will be undergoing its final test flight tonight. Knock on wood, guys! But not too hard, it’s a Boeing
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
That stupid look on my face, is my face
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.