*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
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i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower