I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
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Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
Nothing.
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives