[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
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If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.