8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
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aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?