Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
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Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*