Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
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Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
Found my door mat
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”