White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
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I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
Anyone want a chair?
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.