ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
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[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
Saw online –
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
#Caturday
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI