“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
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WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no