People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
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Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.