My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
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6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
i prefer mine room temperature.
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*