Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
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(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
Optional boss fight.
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
I love it all
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself