[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
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There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
Me: *in the car naked holding all of my clothes* you have to admit, the party theme was a little misleading
Wife: *driving us home * a gender reveal isn’t a theme.
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
Good Morning.
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
The 4 stages of a family vacation
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT