teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
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BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
When a shoelace touches your ankle
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
😅😅😅
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.