If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
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There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
You know…for fall…
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.