Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
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Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.