Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
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I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
Sorry I made promises on Friday
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.