I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
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When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.