[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
You Might Also Like
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
Can’t, holding a grudge
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov