“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
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big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
Shoo shoo! 😂
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas