The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
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Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.