Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
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Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival