Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
You Might Also Like
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
it must be school picture day
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.