I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
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Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”