You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
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Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
[loses house key, starts a new life]
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man