What in the hipster hell is going on here
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I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
There is no “ea” in Tim.
Weighing up my bread heating options
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
Never forget.
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.