Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don’t work
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[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
My wife has the worst taste in men.
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time