Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
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*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.